A Smiling Kirk

Note: I originally wrote this article in 1991, before Star Trek VI came out when I was challenged by some women friends to write an article lampooning Kirk's amorous ways and behaviour in the space lanes. This is one of those arguing against your point of view type articles. Up till that time, I hadn't realized that many women had a low opinion of Kirk and his womanizing ways.

The info in the article was garnered from episodes, books and manuals (pre internet). Having recently read The Official Autobiography of James T. Kirk, I see that either some info in this humorous article is incorrect or has been interpreted differently in that recent book. It's been fun reformatting the article for this site. I haven't updated anything in it so it does not reflect a 2015 perspective. This is the article as originally written...

James Tiberius (although some would say the T should stand for "Tomcat") Kirk was born in Riverside, a small town in Iowa in 2228. A statue if him has been erected (no pun intended!) there. He had one brother, Sam, who had the good sense to escape to a far-flung agricultural planet and out of the reach of his younger brother's philandering ways. It has been said of James Kirk, and this is by his friends (!) that if he can't s**** it, he'll kill it. Seems a bit harsh to me. Still, according to all the space gossip, Kirk is strictly hertero, with a girl in very Starbase! But back to our story...

Little is known about James "Lock Up Your Daughters" Kirk's formative years [update: The Official Autobiography of James T. Kirk fills in the gap]. It is recorded that the Casanova of Space entered Star Fleet Academy as a midshipman when he was seventeen.

A friend at the time, Gary Mitchell, whom Kirk later killed (probably because Mitchell was getting the space babe in that episode) described the pimply Kirk as a "pile of books with legs". Isn't it nice to know that Kirk had only one thing on his mind at that age?

Yes, you guessed it. Exams!

We do know, however, that a certain unnamed blonde was on the scene whom Kirk let slip that he almost married when talking to Mitchell in "Where No Man Has Gone Before". That girl had a lucky escape, or should she have sacrificed herself and spared space-going womanhood our hero's amorous attentions for the next umpteen years?

Despite this one recorded diversion (nobody's been able to lay their hands on Kirk's little black book or whatever its 23rd Century equivalent is - what a scoop that would be for The Federation Enquirer!), Kirk managed to finish in the top 5% of his class. His, presumably, was an average rather than a dim class.

Fresh-faced, with the Starfleet Instructor's boot imprint still fresh on his backside, our intrepid hero received his first commission on the U.S.S. Farragut (sounds like something nasty that happens after drinking too much Saurian Brandy).

While happily crusading across the cosmos (he was actually driving the ship!), the ship went into orbit about a new planet. His best friend and shipmate was Ben Finney who later turned against him, resulting in Kirk's court martial. (Doesn't keep many friends, does he?) Finney liked Kirk so much that he named his daughter after him. (Yes, I thought James was a silly name for a girl! Oh, her name is Jamie!)

Jamie Finney and James T. Kirk

Anyhow, while scouting around on the planet below, Kirk encountered a cloud creature (oh no, not a a dreaded cloud creature!) which killed off most of the crew. Even though Kirk felt himself responsible (he's that kind of guy!) Star Fleet exonerated him.

In fact, they thought so highly of the young hunk that he rose rapidly through the ranks, quickly receiving his first command, aboard a destroyer-class ship, the name of which is not recorded. (Why? Did something major go wrong on this one too?)

Then, in his early 30s, Kirk became the youngest starship commander ever, when he was given command of the Flagship of the Federation Fleet, the U.S.S. Enterprise, with the official rank of Captain. (Maybe they thought that something nasty would happen to him out there, in space...please...but they were out of luck. Stock options in chastity belt factories fluctuated wildly, but remained high).

Five years is a long time in deep space. Twelve ships were sent out. Only one came back. Guess whose? Yes, it was little Jimmy's.

His mission began simply enough. His ship was the only one in all the galaxy to cross the Great Barrier surrounding the galaxy. There were side effects, most notably suffered by his good ol' buddy, Gary Mitchell, who turned silver and got a God complex, and the good-looking lady doctor of something or other.

This got under Kirk's awful green-yellow badly fitting, long-sleeved velour T-Shirt with the crappy command braid. Unfortunately, due to Mitchell's actions, the lady doctor was killed. Being the practical joker that he was, Mitchell created a grave for Kirk with the inscription "James R. Kirk". (Well, if your middle name was Tiberius, would you tell anyone?)

James R. Kirk From "Where No Man Has Gone Before"

Hating practical jokes and knowing that he would never get that episode's leading lady so incensed Kirk that he killed his old pal. What a guy!

Kirk made new friends aboard his new ship. There was that green guy with the pointy ears and the doctor with prescriptions of sarcasm. Star Fleet had also thoughtfully provided him with a blonde yeoman in a short skirt to ogle. No wonder he smiled a lot!

With these and other new friends, Scotty, Sulu and Uhura, Kirk set off to strike terror into the heart of the Federation...'s enemies.

Kirk soon stopped off at a nice little planet to collect a new supergrain, said hello to an old friend who was later found dead (a familiar occurrence for Jimbo's old pals!) and picked up a traveling Shakespearean Theatrical company.

The leading lady turned out to be a rather luscious blonde (not another one) and they proceeded to have a Tempest-uous (geddit?) relationship. It turned out that Anton Karidian, the main man in the acting troupe was, in fact, Kodos The Exectioner (shock, horror, stands back aghast!) and the sweet young blonde his daughter who'd merrily been bumping off everyone in the galaxy who recognized her father from 20 years earlier.

Kirk and Lenore: The Conscience of The King

No sooner can you say "Lay on, McDuff" than she was out to bump off dear old Lieutenant Kevin Riley - well, he deserved it after that awful rendition of "I'll Bring You home Again, Cathleen". Riley survived (damn!) and no sooner than you can say "Is this a dagger I see before me?" she was after old lover-boy himself (no, not in the connubial sense as that had already happened). She planted a phaser on overload in Kirk's cabin. Yep, that's his kinda gal! As it turned out, sweet Lenore was quite deranged and no sooner than you can say "Out, damn spot" she was consigned to the local funny farm.

Our hero loves to leave his ladies laughing, even if it is insanely.

In another episode, Spock got infected with alien spores, became a really nice guy and got the girl. Kirk, even under the soporific effects of the spores, threw a temper tantrum. There was no way anyone but he would get the girl.

He ordered Spock to beam back aboard and then promptly tried to beat the crap out of him. Spock would have none of it. Throwing his Captain around the transporter room with gay abandon (no, that was not a love interest), the effects of the spores wore off and Spock was restored to his normal, logical self.

Kirk would have to be satisfied with that. At least if he couldn't have the girl, no one else would.

Star Trek - A Shot of Penicillin

In one of their frequent forays through time, Kirk and Spock are transported to the Earth of the 1930s by the Guardian of Forever in "City On The Edge of Forever". The reason was to stop a deranged McCoy from screwing up history. On the way, of course, Kirk stumbled across another good looking...well you can't really call her a space babe, so we'll call her an...Earth girl, Edith Keeler.

She fell for him immediately (so what else is new?!) Well, they do say "Earth Girls Are Easy".

She was a pacifist of the highest order. Her beliefs would have influenced America long enough to stay to out of the war so that the score for World War II would have been: Hitler, 1; the World, 0. So she had to die. A simple and clean solution.

Kirk fell in love with Edith. Have you ever known him not to fall in love with the leading space babe? But when the crunch came, and there was a crunch when Edith was mowed down by a passing Model-T Ford, Kirk, in his noblest fashion, let her die.

This time, Spock didn't let him forget, Maybe he was still pissed off at Kirk for trying to beat the crap out of him in the previous installment?

At the time Spock was suffering from "biological" troubles, undergoing the Pon Farr, Spock, Kirk and McCoy beamed down to Vulcan to witness the ancient marriage ritual. Spock's girlfriend decided she didn't want him and, as was her right, chose a champion to fight for her.

Who was it?

Yep, you guessed it - jaded Jim himself! Far be it for him to refuse the request of a lithesome lady, even if it did mean he'd have to kill one of his best friends (again) to defend her honour.

Kirk and T'Pring: Amok Time

He set about beating the crap out of Spock yet again. And, again, Spock would have none of it, wiping the floor with Kirk and apparently killing his Captain in self-defense.

But, aw shucks, Kirk's death was only a ruse created by McCoy. It has to be said that Spock's (former) bit of crumpet didn't seem too perturbed at Mr. Lascivious's demise. Ok, she was a Vulcan, but you'd expect that she'd at least have the good sense to smile, wouldn't you?

Then there was the time that the landing party of Kirk, McCoy, Scotty and Uhura were accidentally beamed onto an Enterprise in a different universe, due to the intervention of the common-or-garden intra-universal warp - you know, those things are two a penny!

The strange thing about this other Enterprise was that everyone appeared to be thoroughly rotten, except Spock. He wore a beard instead. That's making a statement!

Anyhow, what's the first thing that happened when Kirk returned to his doppelganger's quarters? Yes, a woman entered and threw herself at his rugged feet. What was she? Why, she was the Captain's Woman! So there! Kirk, never one to look a gift (way hey!) woman in the mouth (his eyes are usually looking elsewhere), ravished her. Well, that's the assumption - the BBC probably edited that bit out.

As time passed, Marlene Moreau, The Captain's Woman, notices that this James Kirk is really a sensitive guy. That alerted her suspicions. The James T. Kirk she knew was assertive, knew what he wanted, when, where and how often. That man was a rotter, a bounder, a cad, and the person before her was such a nice guy. He was, she deduced, an imposter.

Kirk and Marlene Moreau: Mirror, Mirror

When he and his stalwart companions got an opportunity to return to the real Enterprise, she wanted to go along. Much as he would have liked to bring her, Kirk, clean living hero of the spaceways, decided he could not.

Back aboard the Enterprise, Kirk ruminated in his command chair (maybe he was suffering from piles) when a new yeoman brought him some reports to sign. No way! She was a Marlene Moreau lookalike! Kirk's eyes lit up and a wolfish grin spread across his clean-cut features. Roll credits before the censors complain!

It should be noted that his previous blonde yeoman had requested as transfer after being attacked by a "bad" Kirk in the episode "The Enemy Within".

Kirk is a trained diplomat. An Ambassador for the Federation. A man trusted to get the job done. A man entrusted with the task of escorting dignitaries from one system to another. A man who dallies with Princesses who are on their way to get married.

Such was the case with Elaan of Troyius. Here we have a young lady, in the flower of her...well she was young and had a hot bod, so Kirk poured the charm on and, lo and behold, she responded!

Elaan of Troyius

She was, he was soon to learn, on her way to marry the leader of the planet which had been at war with hers for, oh, a very long time. Just one of your everyday, run-of-the-mill interplanetary all-out blast 'em all to hell and back again scuffles.

But look out Jim, there's Klingon spies aboard.

Our hero, preoccupied with Elaaan, asked his subordinates to attend to the trifling details of dispatching those nasty Klingon spies while he basked in the soft-focus attentions of the proud Princess.

Kirk learned that her forthcoming nuptials were very much against Elaan's personal wishes, but she was on a mission of peace. She cried, he wiped away her tears and got infected with the Love-Bug (no, not Herbie from the Disney movies).

Oh yes, Kirkie-boy had got it bad. He was on the Lurve Train. He wouldn't let her marry the horrendous enemy leader but (to the the strains of a bugle call) Kirk realized that the Federation must come first.

Elaan was consigned to her appointed destiny on the planet below. Kirk retired to his quarters, looked like he was about to cry and mused on how love really got you right there (yeah, beside those two fingers down the back of my throat). Spock, taking pity on him (why?!), mind-melded with him and removed any feelings of love Kirk had...(for Elaan, silly!)

Maybe carnal Kirk was feeling a bit guilty about all those women he'd hump...bonk...uh, made friends with, and it might have unsettled him a bit. There came a time when his senior officers began to worry about the way he was mincing his way around the ship, flailing a limp wrist and sashaying down the corridors.

They figured something must be wrong (boy, they catch on quick, don't they?) However, Kirk was just the subject of yet another practical joke, ha ha! One of his old girlfriends, Janice Lester, has switched karmas with him or some such. Jim-bob was now trapped in the diminutive, extremely female body of Janice Lester and she in his.

Transgender Kirk in Turnabout IntruderTransgender Kirk in Turnabout Intruder
Never one to appreciate practical jokes, Kirk took this transformation rather badly (remember what happened to Gary Mitchell). Well, having returned, oh wow, to, like, his own body, Kirk plays his own practical joke on Janice. He sends her off to the local funny farm (what, another one?)

I'm sad to report that after the 5 year mission, Kirk was put out to pasture.

His ribald escapades appear to have come to an end (sniff!) The legendary lover languished in Starfleet Academy teaching hotshot young ensigns how to get their ships blown up. It was not a memorable time for the former philanderer.

Then along came V'ger. Kirk was dusted off, given a cute curly toupee, patted on the head and turfed out into the great beyond to save Earth from the marauding spaceprobe.

Kirk appears to have been too preoccupied with competing with his Executive Officer, William Decker, to think about philandering with a bald-headed Deltan, despite the fact that the Deltans have a strong reputation for being real "goers".

His libido doesn't even appear to have picked up around the time that he met up with his old friend, Khan. He didn't try to sweet-talk Saavik once! You have to feel sorry for him, don't you. Who said "No!"?

Kirk and Saavik: The Wrath of Khan

However, Kirk did meet up with Carol Marcus. She was a blonde too! Could she be the ubiquitous blonde diversion during his academy days? Or was that blonde a generic term for several babes he was stringing along at the time?

We know for sure that some rumpy pumpy went on 'cos Carol reveals that the snotty creep she called her son was in fact (stands back in amazement) Kirk's son as well! (Makes you wonder how many kiddie winkies he's responsible for, doesn't it?)

This made Kirk feel really old. He got all depressed. Jaunting around the cosmos was a game for the young he said.

After Khan blew a few holes in the Enterprise, (see you) Jimmy got mad, glowered over his bifocals, strung Khan a merry chase and finally killed him off. Kirk doesn't seem to like his old friends very much.

However, when Spock got killed fixing the warp engines, Kirk suddenly felt young again. At last! His old love rival was dead! Space Babes of the Cosmos, look out! Here comes tubby Tiberius again, commode in tow.

Unfortunately, just as he was getting used to the idea of being a dad, his son was killed by the murderous Klingons. Kirk got mad, strung the Klingons on a merry chase and killed them off. Hmmm...there's a pattern there.

Kirk and Kruge: The Wrath of Khan

Bringing Spock's Katra and body back to Vulcan, Spock was resurrected. Gosh darn it, his rival was back! But it was not all bad news; Spock, ha ha, didn't really remember who he was.

On their way back to Earth, Kirk, who had quickly forgotten about his son's death, started to feel his old self again. Slingshotting back to 20th Century Earth to pick up a couple of whales (and who wouldn't want to?) he spotted a real cutie at the local whalearium.

She picked him and Spock up (with her pickup truck!) and drove them to the park (looks promising!) to dump Spock off. She then whisked our libidinous Lothario off for a high-class pizza and fizzy beer. This girl had style!

Kirk demonstrated that he was a dab-hand at not eating pizza. To cover his embarrassment, he tried the old come-on. She asked him where he was from (wouldn't you if you saw someone wearing that uniform?) He said he was from Iowa, but that he only worked in outer space. She gave him a withering look. Damn! Those old lines just didn't work the way they used to.

You have to give him some credit though. He did persevere. He finally thought his luck was in when the girl embraced him as he was transported onto the Klingon Bird of Prey he had purloined. Her only interest was the safety of the whales released from the whalearium (or whatever those places are called). Thwarted again! And by a fish! (I know whales are mammals but being thwarted by a fish sounds better!)

To demonstrate what an all-round good-egg he was, Kirk whooshed (if Klingon ships can ever be said to whoosh) off to sea to capture the wayward aquarians.

Kirk and Gillian in Star Trek IV

Saving them from the ruthless whalers, they slingshot back to the 23rd Century (it's so easy, isn't it?), dropped the whales off in the nearest ocean, crashed the ship, nearly drowned, were rescued and brought up for a summary hearing (all in a day's work).

Because he was a bad boy, Kirk got his knuckles rapped, said ouch, was reduced in rank to Captain (from Admiral) and consigned to deep space yet again. Because they wanted to get rid of him quickly, the Federation splashed out lots of lolly and built a new Enterprise in record time.

Feeling thoroughly let down, James T. Kirk set out to find God.

Oh, by the way, Kirk picked up a few commendations in between chasing space babes: Palm Leaf of Axanar Peace Mission (as in "Keeping the Peace"?); Grankite Order of Tactic, Class of Excellence (probably the art of seduction) and the Prentaries Ribbon of Commendation, Classes First and Second (fancy decorations for his dress uniform).

His awards for valour include the Medal of Honour (Ha! Don't make me laugh!); Silver Palm With Cluster (too gaudy to wear); Star Fleet Citation of Gallantry (our Kirk is a gallant chap, what?); Karagite Order of Heroism (for action beyond the call of duty!)

He has been wounded three times (and one of those was by Elaan of Troyius).

This article was originally written for "The Federation Times", the fan magazine I co-edited for Starbase Ireland which I co-ran.

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